An Update

Well, first off, I apologize that I am just writing. I know that this update has been too long in the making. But I am back in the process of twisting words into meaning. What has the last month been like? I have looked at my vulnerability a few times, straight on. I have wondered-- Is my sense of my future-- is it all real? And there has been some pain in all of this. But now I realize that the pain is not the final answer, and I feel like I have emerged the stronger and more tender for all the questions, the worries, and tears. I have emerged with even more hope and hopefully as well with a clearer sense of myself and where I am going. Thomas Merton said we just have to desire to please God, right? Well, there is no "just" in this; I'm not sure it is the easiest thing to do-- but I do know that this desire is brimming over in me.

A part of me is craving order. I am laughing at myself just writing this-- as I have been dreading "plans" since I have returned home. I have simply wanted everything to flow "by ear." And, no worries, I think or I hope that I will be able to continue to keep this trademarked spontaneousness. Yet, I see myself craving the concrete in a new way and even honing the skills of being practical. Wow. I am stopping for a moment to consider this.

I have been doing a lot of traveling. I arrived in Chicago on May 27, and it was beautiful. I enjoyed sharing time with my sister, Lorna- meeting some of her med school friends, seeing my wonderful first roommate ever, Mary Square, and finishing Bonhoeffer's "Life Together." The days felt wonderful-- the kind of tempo that perhaps only travel can provide... You look at everything with an open-eyed perspective. All is new. All is exciting. I really saw the Chicago River. I noticed the expression on the face of the homeless man, and I had the giddyness of a 14 year-old when I watched the Hubble IMAX at Navy Pier. Although something in the chaotic commercialism of tourism always turns me off, I love the adventure of the solo traveler-- the observer who steps out of her usual rhythm to see something new. It gives me a kind of passion and grace that I struggle to muster as enthusiastically on usual days. And then too-- the question emerges: What is missing? How can I allow this passion to meet my quotidian? This is my hope.

After Chicago, I traveled to Vermont (Weston Priory to be exact) with my mom. Vermont is one of the most beautiful states in the US. I am convinced of this. My time somehow did not feel as quiet as contemplative as my typical visits, but then I realized early on that one of my biggest objectives was sleep. And this I did. Somedays I took a nap at 10am, 3pm, and then went to sleep at 8pm. Thinking about my usual rhythm I realize-- I need more time for sleep!

Experiencing the faith of the monastery was renewing and beautiful. My spirit was deeply touched by the genuine love of the brothers and how they experienced it between each other. Probably one of the most touching moments was when the brothers danced together to a Macedonian folk song, upon the 32 year anniversary of one of the brothers. This is the kind of stuff that gently etches its gentle grandeur into the heart...

Throughout my time these weeks, I have been bringing my "Reading Group" books with me. Shane Clainborne has been a constant companion, and I am almost finished with the book. I don't think I am able to give an overall impression of the book, but I do want to share that it definitely motivated me. A few passages particularly spoke to me, giving words to some things I have been trying to express about North American Christianity for some time now. One quotation in particular reads:

"Just as 'believers' are a dime a dozen in the church, so are 'activists' in social justice circles nowadays. But lovers are hard to come by. And I think that's what our world is desperately in need of- lovers, people who are building deep, genuine relationships with fellow strugglers along the way, and who actually know the faces of the people behind the issues they are concerned about. We are trying to raise up an army not simply of street activists but of lovers- a community of people who have fallen desperately in love with God and with suffering people, and who allow those relationships to disturb and transform them." pg. 295-296

I think I have this call to love...

So, where I am now... post week of travel and thoughts? I pray for the strength to follow God more closely, to listen and obey, and to do what I am called, which is to love.